Let it Rain Tears
This morning as I sit with my coffee, unbidden tears burst forth. They come from deep inside not directed by my thoughts. They are like old friends, a way-post showing me my own aliveness.
I have changed so much these last ten years. I have no doubt that if I met my ten years younger self, I would likewise burst into tears for her unrecognized pain.
Ten years of processing my denied pain has left me tender and emotional. Ten years of dancing in and around God space has left me open hearted as well. These tender emotions though are like breaths of fresh air. They travel up from my solar plexus and burst from my throat like a fountain. The only label I can attach to this unbidden fountain is close to ecstasy. At the moment, I am singularly aware of the magnificence of the world around me and the deep gratitude that I get to live this life.
About a year ago, someone wrote me a critique in a letter saying that I was too emotionally 'labile.' I had to look up the definition of “labile.”
LABILE: (1) of or characterized by emotions that are easily aroused or freely expressed, and that tend to alter quickly and spontaneously;
LABILE: (2) emotionally unstable.
Part one of the definition is spot on for me. My emotions now are easily arosed and freely expressed. What is interesting though is the second part that judges this as a negative - "emotionally unstable." While I do understand emotionally unstable, and have felt that a few times inside of me, it is not my general resting place. This definition takes me back to the notion of "hysterical" and how that was projectd upon emotional women and usually resulted in a doctor taking out their uterus. This is a tangled web of judgement towards the tender side of being a human.
While I do know that unstability and inability to regulate feelings at all can be detrimental to our ability to live life effectively. However, trapped in this critic is a slight to the softer side of human emotional fluidity.
We need to watch closely to what inside of us makes it uncomfortable to witness another's tears. We need to discover what beliefs we have inside that keep us from our tender heart space, especially men.
Today, I have gratitude for this unbidden critique. Not because she spoke truth, but instead because it led me deeper into appreciation for the fluidity of my heart.
The real harsh truth is that I lived much of my life unable to cry at all. Now, as I look back it feels as if it was a desert. It was. It was a desert for my heart. Grief couldn’t flow thru my dry heart and neither could joy or love. I was a desert in many ways.
What blooms in me now is so welcome and rich.
Tears
Unbidden tears
Tears that spring forth in recognition of the miracle of life itself.
I also now stand in warrior defense of my tender labile heart. I fought hard to regain my humanity, my joy and my love. I will never shut it down because it makes another uncomfortable. It is not always easy living so close to tears I admit. But I so deeply love the me I am now that I embrace this sensitivity. What flows thru me now is so close to God inspiration that I could never wish to filter it.
People search for God outside. Yet, God is inside your heart. This God energy has to live like water deep underground when there is only a desert. Perhaps that is why Hawaii is so like home for me. Outside, the rain and tropical growth reflects the wet fertile heart beating inside.
Let it rain!
Let tears drip down my face to reflect the sublime life I get to live.
