The Guilt Experiment - (Day 10)
I decided about 10 days ago (interestingly the same day I came down with the flu) that I would recycle the pattern of guilt every day for a month. If you have not done the Hoffman Process you might think I had taken on a new “green” environmental practice. But no, recycling is an energetic tool used to shift a pattern way of being into an alternative more authentic, spirit-driven action. (That’s a huge over-simplification…much apologies)
Guilt, is a big one for me. I can go back to my Catholic roots and into the mind of my mother’s mother and the seas of guilt are deep and wide. When I was little, my mother took my brother and I to church every Sunday (when I asked why) so that Grandma (my mom's mom) would not be upset. Ain't guilt a powerful force? Guilt got us up and dressed for church every Sunday two states away... Even when I got older and rebellious and stopped going to church, I felt deep down, Grandma knew and was watching.
Guilt, for me, is so deep, I only now, a third of the way into this experiment am I beginning to uncover how much it has tainted my life.
So as I have been trapped inside with this god-forsaken flu, I have recycled the pattern of guilt once each day. Being a master of this pattern, it takes only second for me to come up with something I feel guilty about. What I feel or experience after re-cycling has had some similarities and some differences each day.
So what have I learned so far?
It’s a bugger of a pattern, I’m glad i have a whole month (HA!)
GUILT AMD MAKING DECISIONS
Guilt taints things - or better yet, it casts a shadow that comes with a task/action. It’s like green slime that gets dragged around with every object. The end effect is that the task/action does not stand alone in an objective way (Like going to Church did as a kid). Because of the metaphoric green guilt slime I am unable to make easy authentic choices about whether to take that action. I seem to calculate the path of least guilt. If I do action A today, I won’t feel guilty at the end of the day (that’s the story in my head). It also brings up tasks… “You should call your mother.” <- note the word “should.” “Guilt” and “Should” are buddies. The depth of how this pattern weaves it’s way around my head is crazy-making.
One of the times I re-cycled guilt, I suddenly felt the simplicity of a decision. Of course the choice is A! Without the motivator of guilt or the avoidance of guilt… my choice is clear. Choices are easier and the action doesn’t come with a huge “should!” So, I actually enjoy doing the action more! WTF!? Isn’t this fascinating?
GUILT AND HER BUDDY SHAME
Several times I have felt a distinct overlap between guilt and shame. Leaning into the pattern of guilt felt sometimes like I was leaning into shame as well. I’m suspecting just basically, guilt doesn’t work as a motivator unless shame exists.
SELF-ACCTEPTANCE and OUR OWN HUMANNESS
Several times I’ve re-cycled guilt to an intense feeling of self-acceptance. This underlines for me how self-judging guilt is. After re-cycling, I’ve felt peace and acceptance and I’ve also felt more able to see the real terrain of the past. Obviously guilt colludes with an alternative version of the past. I suspect guilt hides from me (not sure if this is true for everyone) the “human” version of the past. The version that includes the bright parts and the not so bright parts. At the end of re-cycling I felt like I could both see and feel compassion for the humanism of my experience as a young mother.
Worthwhile experiment? You betcha!
