No, No... You can't make me!

Face it, we (people) are so entertaining.  We are all so set in our own delusions and trying so hard NOT to learn the lessons we are here to learn.  I have learned that IF there is something juicy to learn, I will resist it.  In other words, if I look around my life and find the doorways that I fear or hesitate to enter... I know THOSE have healing for me.  I hear it when I listen to someone talk about their life.  At one point they will say "I know I can't say that to her," or "I know they wouldn't be able to handle it if I do that" or "I can't do that right now with everything that is going on..."  Can you hear the internal debate?    

My daughters and I a few weeks ago.   Erin on the left and Brenna on the right.   

The crazy part is we freakin KNOW this and yet "Don't Act!"  Our spirit KNOWS there is a BIG payoff... and yet... we dawdle, we procrastinate, we rationalize our delays and the reasons why it's not important,...  and sadly, sometimes, we never go through the door.  Sometimes, we never say what we've wanted to say.  Sometimes, we never ask for what we need.  We just don't tell our truth.  Sometimes we just don't act.   

Other times, however, we do!   Usually we wait for events in our life to literally push us through the doorway or for the room we've been standing in to collapse beneath us.  I like to reflect on the moment I signed up to do the Hoffman Process.  Mind you, I had heard about the Process from three close friends AND I had also recognized that I would go some day.   But I wasn't taking action. I was waiting for the land mine.  The explosion did come eventually, three years after I first heard about the Process.  It came in the form of my daughter, Erin, getting very very sick.  Three operations and finally a stay in the hospital ... and that day in the hospital I watched her take a shower and I could see her ribs like a holocaust survivor she was so thin.  At that moment, all my coping strategies failed me.  Finally.  I called a friend in tears and said "I give up."   Inside I was really saying, "I surrender".  I signed up for the Process that day.    

So many of us come into the Process with events having happened in our life that THREW us the F#ck through the door we had been avoiding.  The gift with this is that the catalyst has already been added to the concoction of our life.  We need the catalyst to make change.  However, after my daughter's illness, I promised myself that she would never have to be my catalyst again, that I would take responsibility for my own healing journey.   

We always wait for a catalyst.  Today, the question I love to ponder is... "what kind of a catalyst do I wait for?"  Do I wait for a land mine to blow up the room I'm standing in or am I happy to listen to a whisper?  

Resistance 

If the path has meaning, I resist. 
If the cause is dear to my heart, I fear. 
If this is the way of my soul journey,
I doubt and tarry
dragging my toe absent-mindedly in the sand
trying not to notice
the crowd that gathers to watch. 
If this is the way,
I will get many second chances.
I will get them until my last breath. 
This option never goes away. 
If I turn a blind eye and walk away, 
it follows me like a well trained dog, 
eager and loyal
wanting only to be noticed...
it will follow me life to life,
this whisper ... 
"Why not now?" 

        - Lori - 2017