Never Again

When I teach, my students often ask me... "Will I loose this?"  (Meaning, will they loose the amazing feeling of awareness and love?)  

This question touches a fear deep in my heart, that I will fall back asleep again.  My Spirit tells me I can't.  But it still lurks as my deepest fear.   To suddenly wake up years and years from now and realize once more, that I have been sleeping.  Like Rip van Winkle...  

I realize this touches the deep abandonment wound in the most painful way, as I would do this to myself.  No one would put me to sleep.  I would drift off into a slumber all by myself.  Why?  Probably because the pain of living is too much or could it be as simple as just forgetting.  I suspect that is partly why Spirit has directed me through the obstacle course of heart break these last years, so that pain will no longer detour me.  

So whether I believe it or not, they have told me, "I can not fall asleep again, at least not for long."    

And I wonder...if I do...  would I do this just to reward myself with waking up again?   

Never Again 

Wake up and take your medicine. 
A spoonful is held gently to my lips...
"Ugg, bitter... no more!”  I say brushing it away. 
The hand withdraws
and I lie on the grass gazing up at the sky.
Everything turns quiet and I can hear a heart beat a thousand miles away.

I can never go to sleep again?
“Never again.” they whisper.
I can never pretend I don’t see?
“No, never again.” they whisper
I can never forget…? 
“...at least not for long.” they console.
This desire in my soul has brought me out of my sleep. 

- Lori, September 2016