"Okay, Okay, I'm awake!" now ... "Who the F#@k am I?"
I am struck by the simple word “awaking” and the concept of this.
I find myself using this word as a describe certain moments in my life. I say things like “then I awakened to my need for approval,” or “then I awakened to the knowing that I was in pain in my primary relationship.”
What is this?
So fascinating!
Have I been asleep? Am I now awake, like in the morning when I rise from nighttime sleep?
When these moments have happened for me, there is a sudden intense feeling of aliveness. It’s as if everything around me has become more vivid, more real, more vibrant, more intense - more “awake”?
After the initial aliveness, there comes a feeling of disorientation. It’s as if the foundation upon which I had operated was shifted. Like there has been an Earthquake and the Earth below my feet is now unsteady. “Where am I? Where have I been? Which way is North? Who am I? Which way is up? What did I believe that I no longer believe?”
When I was 31 years old, I had one of these moments after taking my first Homeopathic remedy. The Earth shifted. I felt as if I had awoke from some dream. Then, the disorientation.
Shortly after I remember someone asking me a simple question, “Do you like dogs?” I was about to answer “No, not really, I’m more of a cat person.” When suddenly I looked at that answer wondering- is this true? Am I a cat person?
Simultaneously, exciting and disturbing.
What I had previously thought was a concrete definition of me, was actually in debate. I remember I answered after a long pause and a nervous giggle ... “I don’t know..” A fair and honest response. (I can imagine the other person probably thought I was a little “touched”)
I felt exhilarated. What had happened? What part of me had been loosened so that I was more fluid and more able to be in question about myself? Who am I? I don’t fuckin know!
Cool! 😎
I remember being so amazed that I could change like that inside. Up until that moment, I thought the me that was me was just static. A whole realm of possibility opened up!
I was exhilarated, awake, and hooked!
Nearly 30 years later, I’m still hooked. I still love to release something previously stuck in me and step into the unknown, into the chaos. (And yes, I still resist at first)
On the Earth right now there is a pull to wake up. There is a request to step away from what we think is real or compulsory in the world around us and let ourselves settle into a new understanding of ourselves and our life.
As the pandemic began it pulled away many of the ties to concrete things in my life, I felt uprooted and drifting. There was no more Burning Man, no more Ecstatic Dance, no more Process to teach, no more Program for Youths I was designing, no more yoga classes, no more laughter yoga in the park. I reached out to grasp at things to anchor myself again but they were gone.
Early in the pandemic my mind would say “when things return to normal…” But I was helpless to hold the things in my life still so I eventually let them go. I stopped saying “when things return to normal...”
In the midst of the resulting calm, I was given a quiet moment to reflect… “who am I and what do I want or need in life?”
In the quiet, a deep voice was able to speak up and whisper to me of another way to live.
A choice
This is LILO saying “Good Morning!”
A possibility
After that, much of my life changed.
Living here in my little cabin in Hawaii I sit next to my dog I adopted a couple weeks ago. I humbly admit I love him, perhaps more deeply than I ever loved my cats.
I can never return to the person who knew she was a “Cat person” because she is no longer concretely known in that way. I can never return to the person I thought I was even six months ago because she is no longer concretely known.
Who am I?
I don’t know
I don’t know
I have no fuckin idea!
WTF.
Cool 😎
