Yes, I'm Afraid ... and ...
Spring - photo by Lmunkeby (Follow her on Instagram)
I’ve been told that I am brave. So many times that I’ve had to pause and ponder this.
Because honestly, I can not connect to that word, “brave.” From the outside it appears as if I have leapt Into something that is scary. What they don’t know is the level of fear that is inside of me while I’m doing it. That’s why I can not connect to the word brave or courageous. At the moment I am stepping into the “brave” action I am riddled with fear. My perception of “bravery” was someone fearlessly leaping into a battle. I know that am far from being filled with empowerment at the moment. I am far from feeling noble. I am feeling fear ...and yet at the same time... my feet keep moving forward.
This is what my experience is. I am filled with fear and … yet … my feet keep moving forward of their own violation.
One of my most vivid memories of this is the morning my plane left Minneapolis for Spain so that I could walk the Camino de Santiago by myself. A friend of mine asked how I was that morning and I said plainly “I am terrified.” I was terrified; so terrified I felt nauseous. And yet... I got into the taxi to go to the airport, I boarded the plane, and I walked. About 2-3 days into the walk the terror subsided and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
So why did I board that plane?
Hummm.... patterns of mine abound!
Because I had told everyone I was walking it and I had to save face.
Because my stubborn pattern is stronger than my fear.
Because I really had nothing else to do. (It was a desolate time in my life.)
Those reasons don’t seem very courageous to me.
However, there was something else inside of me at that time. I had a tentative trust developing with my own intuition and this intuition felt drawn to take a pilgrimage. My intuition, my Spirit, this wise part of myself, knew I needed healing and knew something about the Camino would match the healing I needed.
For me this is how I am coming to understand my own courage. My courage is acted out when I follow my Spirit in the face of my fear.
I wonder if this is what we see in others when we tell them they are courageous. It’s as if we all know the deeper language of the life we are living. We all know we are spirits learning to trust and connect with our own guidance. We all know instinctively when another has done this. I’m pretty sure that when I’ve talked about the Camino it’s not with bravado but probably with a air of reverence for an inspired action. I also feel the gratitude inside my heart for the experience I gave myself of doing this. I wonder... if this what others sense - and are saying “good for you - you let your intuition lead you thru fear.”
