What To Do When The Game Changes

Wisdom is not what we think
We think it is words.

Yet, it is a place,

A very splendid place,
Inside of us - Lori Oct 2019

Yikes, where have the last three months gone? This blog is so inadequate to describe the “going on’s” in my life during this time.

What to do when the Game changes … 

A few months ago I had an experience.  A game changer.  A life changer.  (It was at the End of June, before Burning Man this Fall and my Camino Walk in France afterwards. I feel the need to place it separate from these events as these events seem be part of my metabolizing of this experience. It’s been stewing inside of me and needs to, I feel, “come out”).

Children are closer than we are, they know how to change the game easily.

So, here goes…

My mind seeks to contain this experience and tie a bow around it.  My heart seeks to feel it again and sometimes leaks tears as if it is limbering up to visit this experience again.   Mostly I cry for the beauty I see everywhere and the beauty I still feel inside of me.

When my mind speaks, it says “I saw the face of God”.  That’s such a funny phrase as I’m not sure even the word “God” works really well.  Let’s just say, I witnessed a level of existence that blew everything in my mind to dust.  I experienced a vibration in my body that made my body purge all the grief I had held on to in my life, literally sobbing for hours.  As if the grief and the bliss of that vibration could not co-exist. Perhaps, it was just the stored up grief from a lifetime of not experiencing this. Likely both.

What I’m sitting with now is the deep knowing that it was my intense longing for this experience that has driven the last 10 years of my life.  This longing also created this eventual event.  Ten years ago I knew that some infinitely passionate part of me missed a connection so deep it made me cry.  I said to myself... “I long to be closer to God.”  But now I know I longed to be closer to who I really am.  I longed to be me, not the human me but the divine me. 

Somehow through the twists and turns of my life, I continued to purge, transform, and clear the rubble from the highway inside of me to God/to myself. Mostly I continued to try to understand and experience love more deeply, with others and with myself. All of this so that in the midst of a seemingly innocuous experience everything opened and I experienced the face of God in me.

At the time, my vocabulary was decreased to only three words “Holy Fucking Shit!” (people who know me will not find this profanity surprising)

….

Now, what do I do?   

Damn, if that isn’t the question I ask myself all the time.  Such a human question.  My inner voice knows there is nothing I must “do.”   Yet I’m sitting somewhere I’ve never sat before in life.   It’s like I’m sitting upon a hilltop of the rotten debris of human life and seeing the beauty also surrounding me.

I’m walking around the world, talking, holding hands, buying groceries, and yet inside of my is a vibration of divine love; a rich, deep well of love just sloshing around inside of me.  A quite peculiar sensation.

I’ve been in the process of waking up for some time now, much of the last three decades. I’m not naive enough to imagine that it is complete. It is continual.  I can travel a long long way and always have further to go.  Yet, some how that does not defeat me at this moment.  Because right now I am feeling enough of what I yearned for to allow me to lie on my deathbed (if it were today) with satisfaction.  I’m the cat sitting contently in the windowsill in the sun saying “ah, this is good.”

Funny, that’s the line in the Bible after God created the earth... “and he said, this is good.”

There is much in life that is rotten and dark right now.  There is much pain in the air circulating the globe of our little planet.  Yet, there is so so much beauty - it is everywhere.  If we could only see it ... everyday ... with a special ultraviolet love light, we could show how much love there is here on the planet.  We might say “this is good” as well.  This love sloshes around outside and inside everyone just like it sloshes around inside of me.   We are love.  And even those words can only point the direction.  

I’ve decided: We are the Game Changer.

The path for me to hold Divine Love inside mirrors my ability to also be present to pain. I can’t say it is everyone’s journey, but it is mine. The capacity for both increases simultaneously inside of me.

So my heart hurts as well.

Sometimes my heart hurts with yearning and sometimes my heart just hurts.   I have trouble caring about the “story” of life but can feel the pain in the air.  Tears seem to help.  They seem to open the heart wider and help the energy to flow.  

This life is so small and so pale in comparison to the truth and yet what still remains is such a wonder.  We are light beings.  (God, I know that can sound trite) But, I’ll say it anyway. We are angels, beings of God.  Pure.  Powerful.  Loving.  A landscape of splendor inside of who we are.  We are the fabric of life - the fabric of love.  

Why understand love?   Because that is understanding us.  

(I feel the need to also epilogue this with noting that this has happened again. My curiosity of whether this was a “one timer” has been satisfied. It wasn’t. Hmmmmm… I feel a bit like Alice when she said… “things get curiouser and curiouser.”)