Intimacy, Courage, and Running Like A Chicken Shit

Intimacy

Well, I still run (ugh! eye roll)  I run when feeling uncomfortable (if I have the option). 

A few weeks ago while taking a class instead of staying after class to socialize, I ran.  Yep, I ran like a chicken shit to avoid the possibility of standing like an awkward idiot.  The “high school” me returned with a vengeance.  And to add insult to injury, I did it the week before as well!   So I’m outing myself.  

This isn’t JUST about socializing.   It is also a metaphor for Intimacy.  This situation was all about vulnerability and vulnerability is required for intimacy. 

I may understand how intimacy or lack thereof might be in a relationship... but what is crazy is how it shows up all over the place!!  Not just in relationships... it’s EVERYWHERE!   

My Daughter, one day on the Camino de Santiago 

The question is: Can I stay in discomfort?   

Can I maintain eye contact?   Can I stay in a yoga pose when it starts to get uncomfortable?  Can I stay in my meditation when I want to stop?  Can I stay...?

Can I lean into discomfort?   

The need for courage is in here as well.  The times I have felt most courageous were times I leaned into something that scared me and did it anyway.  My daughter Erin is walking the Camino De Santiago right now.  Her older sister and I have both walked it by ourselves.  She is doing it by herself as well.  She was terrified when I dropped her off at the airport a month ago.  There is something I’m feeling as she faces her fear... I’m feeling courageous as well as I remember my own walk.  It takes courage to walk into discomfort.  It takes courage to be vulnerable.  It takes courage to create deep intimacy in our lives.  She actually reaches Santiago today, (as I post this) a month of walking... and I'm guessing a sweet memory.   

I returned to class the day after my bolt and did the opposite.  I stayed.  Needless to say, it went WAY better.  I let myself stand awkwardly if I needed to.  I approached willing to be rejected if it happened.  I leaned into the discomfort.  Looking back on the whole week of class, it was that evening that I stayed and lingered awkwardly and then went out with some of my classmates for a drink… that has been carried forward in my memory bank as the sweetest part of the week.   

So is a sweet memory proceeded by leaning into vulnerability?   

I just wonder….    

Erin, today, in Santiago, after a month of walking.